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I recently took my 4 year-old son on a play date with a boy he has known at least two years. When we arrived, however, we were surprised to find an older neighbor boy there too. Something in my gut made me uneasy, but I didn’t mention it to my friend. Just after we were in the door I caught the other two boys playing “gang-up” style shoot-em-up with squirt guns. My son had none. I had to stop them and talk with them about playing nice.
We stayed a couple hours, ate lunch together, and I watched the boys as they moved freely in and out of the house. At the close of our visit I reminded my son to thank our hosts and tell them he had a good time. He said no, very candidly, and I was admittedly embarrassed in front of our company.
I didn’t raise my children to be impolite.
I implored him, and he said emphatically, “No, because I didn’t.”
I did, however, raise him to be honest.
“Sorry,” I told my friend, as I whisked him and my other two into our car. I was stumped. After all, I was there all day long with him.
We drove for ten minutes before he said anything more, which is unusual for my little guy.
“Mommy-”
“Yes?”
“They were naughty to me, today. They were sitting on me and throwing toys at me.”
“Where?”
“In the basement and outside.”
Yes, I remember my son coming up from the basement to color while I was putting my youngest down for his nap. He asked my friend if he could color by himself at her kitchen table. The other two soon followed and the boys all appeared to be having a good time with the activity.
So what went so terribly wrong for my son?
Plenty.
In retrospect I think there should have been better planning and supervision, and less guests. We have hosted and we have been invited to very successful play dates in the past and they all had the following in common:
- Parental supervision for each child present.
- Plenty of planned activities that are age-appropriate and stimulate positive interactions.
- Set parameters for location of play.
- A specific schedule that includes some down time.
- A timely exit.
First of all, the guest should ask the host whether or not other children have been invited to the play date as well, and if the other children’s parents will be there to supervise. What you don’t want is a situation where a child’s behavior goes unchecked, thus creating disharmony among the group. If you are the host and a neighbor child comes to your door asking to play with your child, just politely tell them he/she has a friend over and will play tomorrow.
For a successful play date, the host should have planned activities for her guests to do when they arrive. Good activities stimulate cooperation and teamwork, and can be as simple as plopping a cardboard box on the floor and setting out a box of crayons. Give the kids the opportunity to stimulate their imaginations and coach them on how to work their ideas together to turn that box into a toy that everyone can use and share.
Adults should be available to help as necessary, and to keep the kids communicating well. As soon as children begin to show disinterest in the present activity, the host should be able to facilitate a smooth transition to the next planned activity. Teach your children and their little guests to help clean up after themselves. Show enthusiasm for what they will do next and get involved in the play before you walk away. Then you can periodically encourage them as they behave well, and praise them for their cooperation and teamwork.
Second, play should be in a centralized location where parents can supervise and foster positive interactions. At this age things can and will get ugly very fast when groups are left unattended for even five minutes. The host should have an area set up that is large enough to handle the group and both hear and see what the children are doing.
If necessary, move the playmates if the adults need to move. For example, if the host needs to be in the kitchen to serve a snack or lunch, get the kids involved. Assign the other adults helpful jobs like washing everyone’s hands and setting the table. Then give the kids the opportunity to make the dish with the host. I have made fruit salads that the kids took turns assembling and tossing, pizzas that they topped, and vegetable salads that they topped and dressed.
All good play dates need wind-down time. A good stimulating video works to keep the kids quiet while the adults clean up and get ready to leave. I set parameters for the kids to follow during quiet time at my house. They each get a spot with a pillow and sippy cup or juice box, and if they are watching a video they have to sit still and be quiet until the show ends. Crayons and coloring books work just as well as long as there are plenty of crayons to go around and each child has his/her own supply that doesn’t require sharing.
Finally, be sure to exit at the first sign your child has had enough, even if that means sooner than planned. Play dates are designed to make social interactions fun learning experiences. It is more important to leave on a happy note than to have to deal with fallout. In our own case my son has not wanted to play with my friend’s boy since his bad experience at their house, and so far we haven’t gone back.
Tags: Activity, Children, Kids, Planning, Play, Play Date, Supervision, Teamwork
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