How to discipline children when they make mistakes

Often, kids learn that mistakes are bad from an early age- learn how to discipline children in a positive way instead

photo taken by Sigurd Decroos

Are you wondering how to discipline your kids? Do you come from a family that has always focused on constructive criticism? Negative reinforcement often causes children to close up and stop trying for fear of failure. Most parents are not sure how to discipline a child when he makes mistakes. So don’t worry. You are not alone. Often parents choose to punish kids for their mistakes rather than take a more positive approach on how to discipline.

Sometimes when constructive criticism is used too much it can backfire. Kids today are growing up in a competitive world. From competitive sports to competition over test scores, our children are facing it from every angle, and with competition there is always criticism. Unfortunately, many parents over-correct their children by using constructive criticism every time they error. Parents may do this because constructive criticism is the only way they know how to discipline children. Because of this many kids learn that mistakes are bad and they no longer want to try for fear of making a mistake. So if we can’t be over critical when children make mistakes, then we have to learn how to discipline kids another way, through positive reinforcement.

Particularly for young children, high levels of competition in school and sports can have a negative impact on their self-esteem and overall performance. Why? Because we all make mistakes and in a hyper-competitive environment we are told that mistakes are bad. We get constructive criticism. Our teacher, our coach, or our parent will call out our mistake, often times in front of other kids. This constructive criticism is meant to help our children. I have learned, however, that this is not how to discipline children effectively. Our parenting skills come from how our parents disciplined us when we were kids. Did your parents overwhelmingly use constructive criticism every time you made mistakes as a child? How did it feel to get constructive criticism for you? I think we can all agree that constructive criticism does not feel good when it comes from our boss or spouse. No one wants to hear about their mistakes. With this type of negative reinforcement, children are prone to disengage from difficult challenges (like succeeding academically) for fear of failure. I propose using an alternative to constructive criticism that will actually benefit children. I believe it is a better method of how to discipline children.

Fortunately, by working with your child to understand that “mistakes are opportunities to learn,” your child can realize that mistakes are not something to be feared and avoided. This is a more positive approach in how to discipline. If you also use positive reinforcement every time they are successful, this can also help them to accept more challenges in life with a good attitude and less fear.

As Sir Ken Robinson, PhD says:

If you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything original.

Young children have an innate ability to persevere and learn from their mistakes. Learn how to disciple them by encouraging the act of trying and praising the things that they did do right. This is basically the crux of the positive reinforcement technique. A child with ADHD will do better when given a reward for not falling out of his chair than the ADHD child who has his chair taken away from him for repeatedly falling out of it. Watch a one-year-old learning to walk and you’ll see what I mean. Parents and caregivers would never think to criticize a baby for falling down. You praise your toddler for trying. If an adult had to fall and get up as often as a baby, and he got constructive criticism every step of the way, he’d give up, I’m sure! Common sense says this is not how to discipline kids. Yet we do it every day. Constructive criticism just seems to come natural for parents. I challenge you to go the other way; learn how to discipline using positive reinforcement instead.

As kids get a little older – 4 or 5 years old – they start to recognize when they are making a mistake, especially if others around them seem to be able to do or understand what they cannot. This recognition often creates discomfort. And that discomfort escalates when important adults in their life, who do not know how to discipline without criticism, are constantly pointing out their mistakes. I have seen many children at this age give up in frustration or even refuse to try something new for fear of making a mistake or failing. Positive reinforcement is better.

From day one in my kindergarten classroom, I told children that “Mistakes are opportunities to learn.” I repeated this so often that by October of the school year, when a child made a mistake, I would ask: “What are mistakes?” and he would know to answer: “Mistakes are opportunities to learn.” Sometimes, to really hit the point home, I would pose this question to the entire class and they would respond in unison. It was so important to me that all children in the room (both the one making the mistake and the ones nearby to observe the mistake) understood the idea that a mistake is not a bad thing; that all children can learn from their mistakes.

I found that the positive reinforcement approach on how to discipline in my classroom was very powerful for several reasons:

• It gave my students permission to be less than perfect.
• It let my students know that mistakes are something to learn from.
• It promoted self-acceptance.
• It helped my students understand that trying again was the appropriate response when a mistake was made.
• It helped other children accept the mistakes of their peers.

The author of this article is a retired kindergarten and preschool teacher. Visit Renee Abramovitz at www.schoolsparks.com, a totally free resource of information and tools to help parents prepare their children to start preschool and kindergarten ready to succeed. At schoolsparks.com you will find a free kindergarten readiness test parents can take to see if their kids are ready to start preschool or kindergarten and over 150 free printable kindergarten worksheets to help children develop critical skills.